ADULT JOKES - to brighten your day....JUST FOR LAUGHS

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce.

She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."

Woman: "Doc, an ant entered my vagina, can you please take it out".

Doctor removes her panties and start making love.

Woman: "What are you doing?"

Doctor: "This is the only way to drown the bastard!"

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Answer: Your SALARY. It comes once a month, lasts 3 - 4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep trouble!

A lady visited her doctor again.

The Dr. said: You look more sick & exhausted than before. Are you having 3 meals a day as I advised?

Lady: WHAT? I thought you said 3 MALES a day!!!!

Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty.

GOD Said "No way; Now As It Is, The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It up!!

A nun went for a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried and said, "Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore.!"

A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked " Do yo have this? "

The girl lifted up her skirt & said, "My mom said with this I can have a lot of THAT!"

Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION".

Class Teacher: " Why not?"

Schoolgirl: "Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"

Mother asks daughter, how is married life?

Daughter shyly says like BRITISH AIRWAYS.

Mother reads the advertisement & is shocked.

It says

"7 DAYS A WEEK, TWICE A DAY, BOTH WAYS!"

What is the STRONGEST muscle?

TONGUE - It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!.

The lightest muscle?

PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's tongue!

Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: "Name?"

"Park Yu."

0fficer become angry & shouted back: "FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name?"

Korean replied: "PARK YU TOO!!"

Man to wife: Business is bad, if you learn how to cook we can remove servant.

Wife: ASSHOLE! If you learn how to fuck, we can remove driver, gardener & watchman..

COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.

BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us hanging OUTSIDE!

A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like?

Mama dog's reply: How I know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face!"

Compiled by Mr. Seni

019-4548489

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CERPEN LOGHAT TERENGGANU.

KISAH AMING GI SEJID.

by Faizul Faiizi

Ayoh ye kate doh tok bolih ikut. Ye nok ikut gok . Pah tu dalang sejid wat bising. Ye berembah ngan abang dia. Bising Bango. Ayoh dia hok tengah mayang ni nok maroh dok tau ahh. Geletik tangang rasa nok bui penampor sutir. Orang laing kiri kanang dalang sof mok’o rase gitu jugak, mesti dok kusuk semayang. Kalu ye maghi dekat, bulih junga tangang, belang-belang bace fatehoh, mesti kena keppok pale, baru ye bulih dudok diang. Base anok dok rajing mari sejid, ye ingat sejid ning macang padang tepat maing. Ye berembah, ye berembah jugak nge abang dia. Nok buwak gane , budok dua taung , dok tahu ke mende. Orang paka baju melayu nok gi sejid, ye derah-derah gi ambek baju retek dalang robok. Tak dok pioh, ye buke abih sorok dalang rumah cari pioh, bulih ke dia pioh besar, paka jugak, paka jugak walaupung dok lekat di pale. Tengelang separuh dahi napok butir mate je dua butir, kelit-kelit. Ayoh ye kate “Aming doh ayoh gi ahhh, kek gi aming bising, dok dudok diang, kaca orang mayang”. Panda ye jawak “Aming uduk je, Aming diang je, Aming mayang nge ayoh”. Uhh, jawak bukang maing juruh. Ayoh dia pong ajoklah, nok try ,bulih ke dok dia duduk molek-molek mase orang semayang jumaat. Kalu dok ajok kang ye nangis guling hanyar depang mok dia, sapa orang abih mayang. Rohoklah mok dia nok suruh senyap kekgi.

Mase khetbah tu ye start doh, iyah-iyah ye fire ke abang dia. Abang ye senyak je, dok layang. Ayoh ye keling-keling dari jauh, pah tu cerelong ngan wat mulut cettum gitu. Marohlah tu .Ye senyak kejap. Pah tu ye segok-segok pulak abang dia, iyah-iyah, koya jadi ultrameng lawang raksakse. Ayoh ye cerelong lagi, ambek jari tunjuk bubuh dekat nge bibir, wat gerok kiri kanang. Perit meto , takutlah tu konong. Derah-derah ye gi duduk bira abang dia, terkising-kising senyung. Dok dan dua minit ye segok pulak abang dia, maing pogong-pogong pulak, iyah-iyah..

Ayoh dia buat isyarat ke abang dia ,suruh maghi dekat. Ayoh dia bisik “koho teruk adik mung ning, mung ajok adik mung gi blakang, tepat orang buh lipar nung, mung layang ye berembah, kot panda ye ah nok begocoh ke, nak berguling ke, nok teranding di dinding ke.Dok bolih jadi gining, ye kaca orang nok mayang kekgi.” Abang dia ajoklah gi blakang. Ye pong derah-derah ikut.

Amanglah sementor. Bulihlah dengar khetbah molek skit. Tok imang perabih khetbah dia, pas tu sedia nok semayang. Pah takbir je , bace patehoh, eh-eh tubik mari duane dok tahu, ye mari pulok nge abang dia. Duk selit celoh sof. Ye akat takbir jugak pah tu wat mulut bebet-bebet, pecih-pecih, pecih-pecih bunyi, bace mende dok tau. Ekseng je lebih.Mase abang dia sujud ye buwak pulok, tengok molek ngat abang dia sujud, kabat lallu atah blakang wat macang kuda. Keduk-keduk , bising bango. Mase abang dia duduk , ye pelok tekok abang dia , lepah tinju dua tige butir, debih-debih bunying. Gitulah sapa orang abih semayang.

Lepah bagi salang, kiri dan kanang, ayoh dia cerrelong slalu, bulat gete mate dia macang nok sembul , maroh tahap gajah naik minyok. Ye kejut ke mate sembul ayoh dia, Ye lari gi nusuk blakang abang dia, tahu nye saloh sebab ayoh ye pesang benor doh jangang wat bising dalang sejid. Ayoh dia saoung slow-slow “Sape maing masae mayang takdi hahhh ?”. Dalang takut-takut dia jawak “Bukang Aming”. Kebetulang tok imang tengah bace doa lepah mayang, tok makmung pulak jawak rama – rama “Aminggggg”. Ye kejut , watpe semua orang kata Aming. Ayoh dia kate lagi “Sape bising bango main gocoh dalang sejid hahhh” . Tok Imang bace doa. Makmung jawab aminggggg. Ye pucat lesi doh muke, ye jawak “Bukang Amingggggg, bukang Amingggg.. muke paling kiri kanang tengok ke makmung, mintak kasihang belas. Abang dia doh dok tahan suke tengok keaadaang dia hok pucat lesi. Ayoh dia wat lolok tanye lagi “ sape hok maing berembah dalang sejid ahhhh?”. Tok Imang perabih doanya, hok akhir dia kate “Ya Rabbal Alaminnnnnn”, kuat skit dari biase. Makmung-makmung sume pakat perabih amingkan doa tok imang, kate kuat skit dari biase “Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin”. Ye kejut hanyar. Bukang Aming, Bukang Aming, selok ye nangis takutan. Makmung sume tengok ke dia . Derah-derah Ye gi jerba ke ayoh dia. Reboh nungging ayoh dia sapa sellok kaing-kaing. Abang dia dok tahan, suke sampai guling bating depang sof.

Bersambung….

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Janda 2 kali

Tersebut kisah sorang janda yang dah 2 kali bersuami. bercerai dengan suami yang pertama sebab suaminya tu yang suka memukul dan mendera. sementara suami ke-2 pulak walau pada mulanya bahagia tapi akhirnya suami tu menceraikan dia dan kahwin dengan pompuan lain.

jadi selepas beberapa tahun, janda ni yang masih cantik mengambil keputusan untuk berkahwin buat kali yang ketiga. dia lantas mengiklankan diri untuk mencari jodoh ketiganya. si janda tu meletakkan 3 syarat:

1. lelaki tu mesti berjanji tak akan memukul atau mendera
2. lelaki tu tak akan lari meninggalkan dia
3. hebat di ranjang

so, selang beberapa hari, dtg sorang mengetuk pintu dengan kuat. lalu si janda tu pun bukak pintu. alangkah terkejutnya dia bila yang datang tu tak berkaki dan bertangan.

"saya datang untuk cuba nasib jadi isteri awak" kata si lelaki kudung tu.

lalu si janda tu meminta si lelaki tu untuk menjelaskan kalau dia dapat memenuhi 3 syarat seperti dalam iklan.

lalu laki tu berhujah:

"syarat yg pertama, dah tentu saya dapat penuhi disebabkan saya tidak ada tangan untuk memukul awak"

"syarat yang kedua, mana mungkin saya akan tinggalkan awak disebabkan saya tidak ada kaki untuk berlari"

"jadi syarat yang ketiga tu bagaimana nak buktikan' celah si janda tu.

"er, cuba awak fikir. tadi saya ketuk pintu dengan apa" ujar lelaki kudung tu dengan bangga.

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AHAKS... JUST FOR LAUGHS

BRAIN TUMOR

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

****

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

****

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

****

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks!

****

Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

****

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

****

Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

****

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

****

Spelling lesson

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

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MAT RIDDLES

What do you call a Mat lawyer?

Matlock!

What do you call a Mat who's driving a Mercedes Benz?

Ahmat. (Chauffeur)

How do you confuse a Mat?

Put him in a circular room and ask him to relac one corner.

What do you call a Mat bungee jumping?

Mat Yo-yo

What do you call a young Mat ?

Mini Mat

What do you call a small, cheap Malay?

Econ mini mat

What is a Malay's favourite tv show?

Ali Matbeal

Where is a Malay's favourite shopping spot?

Matro

what do u call a pious malay man?

mat saleh

siapa dia anak pak husin ngok ngek kaki kontot kepala kemek?

mat tahir ( as p ramlee said it )

wat do u call a safe malay man?

selaMat

wat do u call a neat malay man?

se mat ( smart)

what do u call a panicky malay man?

gaMat

what do u call a thrifty malay man?

jiMat

there is a Malaysian malay movie called, perempuan melayu terakhir, cerita lelaki melayu terakhir dipanggil apa?

taMat

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English is hilarious

This is hilarious...even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric!

Exclusively only to great Malaysian and Singaporean Chinese....

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10 .

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again back to 1.

This was what he came up with...

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rush out and wanted to 5 with me. I run so fast until I fall 6 and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab him. 10 God he run away. So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6 . He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1

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